It’s been a year since Little Honey died. She was my favorite person on the planet, and these past 12 months without her has felt like a lost year. It’s as if I have misplaced my identity, and don’t know who I am anymore. I keep thinking something will click into place, but so far: I’m still lost. On the one year anniversary of her death, when I should have been taking my foster brother Char’s advice (above) I was salvaging my broken heart after being kissed off via email by my ex love from over 20 years ago: Mat Smith.
We reconnected through an old friend after a 10 year silence. We talked on the phone like we were teenagers again, lost in conversation for hours at a time. He is in New Mexico where the economy is taking a harder hit, so we made plans for him to come here to live. I created long lists of all the fun stuff we would do together when he got here: go fishing, smoke the fish we caught, play guitar together, etc. Needless to say: I fell in love with him all over again.
It’s been so long since I have had a broken heart that I almost forgot what to do about it. In the process of trying to make myself feel better, I realized that a broken heart is just another kind of grief. I have been asking myself: “what would feel good right now?” and doing my best to provide those small comforts for myself. That’s all you can really do for a broken heart: try and be as self soothing as possible. You still have to go through the agony of the phone no longer ringing for long conversations and checking 100 times a day to see if there’s an email from him saying “I miss you.”
I miss him, and my heart longs for him, even though my head knows that we can never be. The heart wants what it wants. But I’ve gotten through much worse than this, and I know my heart will miraculously heal like it always does. Hearts are very resilient things.