Title: My Body Remembers (for Mary Louise, my mother) Mixed Media
I have a difficult new client who threatened to fire me several times today due to a dispute with his landlord. (not worth repeating all that went down) I still work for him, but now I am on my guard just wondering when the next shoe will drop.
I feel beaten and bruised, even though he never laid a hand on me. It was his words and abusive tone that caused the pain. I know all these scenarios so well by now. Honestly, it makes me want to smash something. I came close to smashing a mug on the floor when I got home from work. I thank God that I now have enough control to stop myself from senseless acts of rage. But I needed to do something to make myself feel better, and that's where self love comes in.
I don't know about you, but I sort of cringe when I hear those words now: “self love.” It's as if they have been overused and became cliché to me somehow. I wish I could come up with another way to say it: Me Care? Mothering Me?
And then the tears start to flow again. It always surprises me how easily the subject of mothers can make me cry. My mother commited suicide when I was 2, and although I had a loving foster mother, I feel like this wound in me will never heal. Mother's Day has always been a hard day for me. It's my least favorite holiday. But it wasn't so bad when Little Honey was still alive and I could send her a mother's day gift each year. I made them by hand with great love, and she always expressed her gratitude exuberently. I miss that so much.
Storm says I can share his grandma.
So maybe I will make her a card...
Anyway, I made a list of things to lift my spirits, and yes, it is starting to make me feel better.
~Mother Me List~
-Hot tea (organic kombucha green tea sent to me from my lovely friend, Dawn)*
-A good read (Sketchbooks by Lisa Sonora Beam)
-Prayers for patience, strength and forgiveness
-Watch something funny: I asked Storm to pick out a funny movie to cheer me up, and he rented a Rebel Wilson movie. I love her and love that he picked just the right movie for my mood. Even tho I haven't watched it yet, I know I will love it.
-Hugs (also from Storm, the dogs and the cat) I also hugged myself, which sounds silly but feels good. It's a good stretch for your back. My BFF, Sonny, says you are supposed to hug for 20 seconds to get the full benefit.
-Vent: to my supervisor, Storm, and Sonny
-This Blog: further venting (thanks for reading)
*Dawn and I make “Little Boxes of Love” for eachother and send them out at the beginning of each year with 12 gifts: one for each month. There are no rules, but I like to open them when I am having a very good day or a very bad day. Today I prayed for the perfect gift to make me feel better, and there were Dawn's teabags at the perfect time.